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So, let’s begin peeling off my thoughts. It is
amazing to fall in love. Not because it makes you feel safe, happy and
non-lonely, but because it reminds you of your self-worth. This applies to the
ones who get into the right relationships. Fine, so maybe there is nothing like
right or wrong relationships. But some people get unlucky when they end up with
demons for partners. Sorry if that’s you. Anyway, this post is not about how
everyone should be slow dancing to Ed-Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud song (But it’s
such a good song though).
Remember when you had a crush for the first
time? How did it feel? I remember having butterflies for days just by seeing
the person’s throat jolt while he swallowed. I am weird like that! Moving on…. My
mind was paralysed, rationally! I thought that he must have been the first
flawless human being to exist, apart from Ryan Gosling. Confusion got real when the crystallised
perfection began disappearing. The ‘spark’ was gone and the rush that came with
spotting his silhouette was gone. This is when love seemed hazy. I thought that
a crush would result in long term feelings of affection and excitement. Now
that I am older, my rationale back then can be deemed as plain STUPID! But one
thing I realised after the crush faded was that my confidence seemed to dwindle
too. It’s not like we had ever spoken or anything. He would throw a glance my
way once a week; maybe not directly at me but at my direction-ish. I didn’t
understand how my infatuations could possibly be linked to my confidence. I pondered
over this one recent weekend over a large bowl of ice-cream and of course ‘The
Mindy Project’ drama!
It hit me. I was linking my happiness to the
feelings that came when I thought of myself as someone’s significant other.
That is why my past relationships were so hopeless. How could I think that I was
a better person when I was with someone else? It took time to love myself. That
involved dire intervention from the gym and a revamp of my wardrobe. Happiness
is not what you look like but how you perceive yourself. I was not happy with my
weight. I did not desire to be skinny but I often ran out of breathe after
taking 10-steps uphill. My sense of fashion was poor and I rarely paid much
attention to my attitude too. I would exude too much negativity towards myself,
unconsciously. I had forgotten that happiness cannot be created by a union of
two people. It comes along when you learn to accept yourself and treat yourself
right. If you know certain foods are not good for you, then you have to love
yourself to prioritise your health rather than cravings. If you wear skimpy
clothes just to attract someone else’s attention, remember that you are
demeaning your self-worth. In other words,
until you learn to see yourself as enough, you will never be satisfied no
matter what relationship you conjure yourself into. You will constantly enquire
from others if you look good enough or wait to see how many likes your posts
get to rank your face value. Be you, love you and enjoy a bowl of kit-kat-as I am
about to do!
