Monday, 14 September 2015


 This post has taken me a while to write. Why? Well, I guess it’s because it’s personal. Most writers fear leaving a trail of truth in their words that could be traced back to their real lives. It leaves you exposed, and thus opens a door for criticism. I am listening to Jessie Ware- Say You Love Me. Goodness, this song tears up my emotional tendons- if such a phrase exists. (Random, I know!)

So, let’s begin peeling off my thoughts. It is amazing to fall in love. Not because it makes you feel safe, happy and non-lonely, but because it reminds you of your self-worth. This applies to the ones who get into the right relationships. Fine, so maybe there is nothing like right or wrong relationships. But some people get unlucky when they end up with demons for partners. Sorry if that’s you. Anyway, this post is not about how everyone should be slow dancing to Ed-Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud song (But it’s such a good song though).

Remember when you had a crush for the first time? How did it feel? I remember having butterflies for days just by seeing the person’s throat jolt while he swallowed. I am weird like that! Moving on…. My mind was paralysed, rationally! I thought that he must have been the first flawless human being to exist, apart from Ryan Gosling.  Confusion got real when the crystallised perfection began disappearing. The ‘spark’ was gone and the rush that came with spotting his silhouette was gone. This is when love seemed hazy. I thought that a crush would result in long term feelings of affection and excitement. Now that I am older, my rationale back then can be deemed as plain STUPID! But one thing I realised after the crush faded was that my confidence seemed to dwindle too. It’s not like we had ever spoken or anything. He would throw a glance my way once a week; maybe not directly at me but at my direction-ish. I didn’t understand how my infatuations could possibly be linked to my confidence. I pondered over this one recent weekend over a large bowl of ice-cream and of course ‘The Mindy Project’ drama!

It hit me. I was linking my happiness to the feelings that came when I thought of myself as someone’s significant other. That is why my past relationships were so hopeless. How could I think that I was a better person when I was with someone else? It took time to love myself. That involved dire intervention from the gym and a revamp of my wardrobe. Happiness is not what you look like but how you perceive yourself. I was not happy with my weight. I did not desire to be skinny but I often ran out of breathe after taking 10-steps uphill. My sense of fashion was poor and I rarely paid much attention to my attitude too. I would exude too much negativity towards myself, unconsciously. I had forgotten that happiness cannot be created by a union of two people. It comes along when you learn to accept yourself and treat yourself right. If you know certain foods are not good for you, then you have to love yourself to prioritise your health rather than cravings. If you wear skimpy clothes just to attract someone else’s attention, remember that you are demeaning your self-worth.  In other words, until you learn to see yourself as enough, you will never be satisfied no matter what relationship you conjure yourself into. You will constantly enquire from others if you look good enough or wait to see how many likes your posts get to rank your face value. Be you, love you and enjoy a bowl of kit-kat-as I am about to do!